


The Naked Time

by orphan_account



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Anachronism, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Like Heavily Implied, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, bc i hate myself!, ik this is. very long but please give it a chance, it's. all three, pre podcast or during podcast or after, seriously don't try to figure out what period this is in, the last 3 chars are only referenced to but. they're there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A mysterious, inhibition-stripping disease makes our beloved crew members act grossly OOC.aka, Barry gets shirtless, Taako and Lup cry, Davenport loses his cool, and Merle just has a bad time in general.





	The Naked Time

**Author's Note:**

> i cannot BELIEVE i did this.

Barry never enjoyed beaming down onto planets. It's what happens when you read one too many reports on the transportation process, and the errors they encountered while figuring it out. He simply likes his molecules to remain arranged in the way they're supposed to be, and not, say, in another planar system. All the horror stories he's been told by the twins didn't help his aversion to teleporting, either. 

Alas, he must obey orders from the Captain. 

That, and he also had a job to do. 

The air shimmered, glittering molecules coming together to form two suited figures. Barry Bluejeans looked around as he turns solid once again, blinking through his fogged-up helmet as he observed the frost-covered environment. His hand went for his tricorder, hanging at his hip. Pulling it over his head, he fiddled with the knobs and held it up. 

"Check for life support readings," he commanded, already distracted by the results. "Be certain to keep yourself from exposure to the environment. We can't be sure about whatever strains of pathogens that may contaminate the area." 

Lieutenant Miller nodded, turning to wander into the other rooms. Barry glanced up from the tricorder, spinning on the spot as he slowly observed the room. A slumped figure in the corner attracted his attention, and he made his way over to it. His gloved hand hovered over his phaser as he leaned over the body, but lifted away as he ran the tricorder over it. He frowned; this person was dead, killed by exposure to the environmental conditions. Or, so it was to be believed, he thought as he examined the crystalized corpse. 

Tourmaline was a unique brand of mineral that is very receptive to enchantments. Barry rubbed his gloved hand against the bottom curve of his helmet, mimicking a thoughtful beard stroke. Footsteps crunched closer toward him, and he glanced up from the corpse, watching Lt. Miller make her way back to him. 

"All life systems were off, sir," Lt. Miller reported. "Operations reports reveal that they were perfectly functional at the time, and were willingly shut off." 

Barry's frown deepened. He glimpsed back down at the corpse he was crouched next to and gestured to it. "It appears that this man was smoking a cigarette when he was killed," he said. He gestured to the bridge of pink tourmaline that extended from the edge of the window, down to the corpse. "The crystal must have contacted his tissue, and overtaken it in the pursuit of energy, like some sort of parasite. At least, that's what I postulate at this time." 

He looked up from the corpse. "The others are dead back there?" 

Lt. Miller shook her head. "No, sir. There's no one else back there, except some robot in disrepair." Her eye twitched in the fishbowl helmet affixed to her suit. 

Barry paused. "I'm going to take some more readings," he informed her, straightening up from his place next to the corpse. "I'll be back shortly. Remember, be careful. Don't allow the crystal to contact your skin, or else you might become like this guy." He carefully toed the tourmaline cocoon to emphasize his point. 

Lt. Miller shuddered. "Yes, sir," she said emphatically. "That won't be a problem." 

Her superior smiled. "Good. I'd hate to see one of my best scientists killed by crystal. What a sad way to go." Barry looked back down at his tricorder and began to adjust the knobs and dials once again, slowly making his way around the room toward one of the back chambers, his oversized, neon-orange nullsuit crinkling with his every movement. There was a quiet 'oof' and a 'bonk', as he nudged into the wall helmet-first. 

Maureen watched him disappear, then made her way into the last room she'd examined. A rectangular shape sat upon a tourmaline-encrusted pedestal, its LED screen still glowing softly with an 'error, check wiring' screen. The science lieutenant removed a screwdriver from her tool pouch and went about unscrewing the robot's back panel. Its screen went dark as she pried the panel off. 

"Stupid gloves," she growled to herself. The finely woven material of the nullsuit made it nearly impossible to handle small objects, like this robot's energy core. Maureen glanced at the doorway and strained her ears, listening for Barry in the other room; the beeping of his tricorder betrayed his position. She'd never hear the end of it if she got caught for disobeying orders, but her superior officer seemed absorbed in his findings. She pressed a button on her bracer, and a soft hiss occurred. The tiny lights on her wrists turned red as she disengaged the velcro lock, and Maureen tugged off her right glove. "Better!" She tossed the glove onto the top of the robot. 

With her fingers freed, she could complete the fine, careful work it took to adjust an advanced energy core. Bond-ilium was a fragile element that could be broken down if tempered with or disrupted, and this robot's core seemed to be about 75% composed of it. Maureen reconnected the wires, welding them back into the energy core, and smiled at her success as its screen lit back up.  
"Hello!" it said to her. "My name is Hodge Podge!" 

Unbeknownst to her, on the cellular level, molecules of pink tourmaline crept onto her glove. Maureen felt a slight itch on her knuckles as she tugged her glove back on, just in time before Barry entered the room. "Lieutenant," he said, "contact the transporter crew, and inform them that four people will be beaming back up. I found two individuals in the other room, and... well... we definitely can't leave them here, right?" He laughed awkwardly. "I-if I did, the Captain would strangle me until I was blue, then let me go, then strangle me some more." 

Lt. Miller nodded, slyly adjusting her newly-refastened wrist strap. "Right away, sir," she said, whipping out her communicator and talking into the speaker. The air began to shimmer once again, as their molecules were arranged and rearranged, and pulled right off of the planetside as it began to tremble violently. 

/ 

The intercom on the arm of his chair whistled as Davenport solemnly studied the planet. His chief science officer's reading indicated extreme temperature drop and severe seismic activity. If the surface turning to crystal wouldn't kill someone first, the other conditions surely would. He opened the connection via the button on his armchair. 

"Captain here," he said, looking back down at the readings report sent up to him by Barry. 

"Officer Bluejeans and Lieutenant Miller are back on board, sir, along with the two rescuees mentioned," a nondescript voice said into the speaker. "They're currently undergoing decontamination processes and checkups in medbay." 

Davenport nodded. Then remembered that the officer couldn't see him. "Alright. Tell Mr. Bluejeans that I'll meet him there in ten minutes. Davenport out." With a firm press, he closed the connection and stood from his chair. He threw his first officer a look  
and moved into the lift. The doors swished shut as Lucretia gingerly placed herself in his chair, and he ordered it to travel to medbay. 

Barry was being lowered onto the examination table as Davenport entered the med bay. "Hey there, Captain," he said, lifting his head off of the cushioned table and waving. 

Davenport felt his mustache twitch as Merle shoved him back down onto the table. "Sit still, Mr. Curiousity, you'll mess up the machine," the chief medical officer snapped, eyes flicking back up to the screen. "The Cap'n can wait for a little longer." 

"Merle is right, Barry. Wouldn't want your readings to be funked up." Davenport smiled at Barry's eye roll as he laid back down. "He'd fuss me out for being the cause of it, anyway. Spare me, please." 

Merle tossed him a flat stare, then returned to Barry's vital signs. "Alright, you're good to go." He patted Barry on the chest and hopped down from his stool. "Thank Pan you didn't send Taako on this mish. I have to strap 'im down just to take his damn vital signs." He rolled his eyes at Davenport and gestured to the velcro straps hanging from the sides of the examination table. "He always screams like a banshee when I do that, so I have to call Lup in here too." 

"Honestly, you should just schedule their physical appointments at the same time." Davenport glanced over at Barry, watching him tug on his red science robe, and jerked his head. "Anyways, come on, Barry. I'd like to review the databases for any information that could assist our investigation." 

"Yes, sir." 

"Merle, just where would the two rescuees be located?" Davenport turned to look at him. 

Merle crossed his arms. "They're in there," he said, jerking his head toward a privatized decontamination chamber. "But, uh... Cap'n, there's something you oughta know." Davenport gestured for him to continue, eyebrows raising and chin declining. The C.M.O. looked over at the room, his own brows furrowing together. "Those two... they're actin' all kinds of strange." 

Davenport cocked his head. "I might act a little strange too, if I was almost killed by pink tourmaline and a self-destructing planet." 

Merle shook his head. "No, no, it's something else. It's almost like they're... hysterical?" He mulled over that for a moment. "I dunno if that's the right word. The orc lady keeps askin' the other one to do the dirty dancing, 'time of my life', over the head-lift thing, but the Dragonborn just keeps hissing at her. I looked over their profiles taken from the data Barry snatched, and their behavior.. just ain't right. It doesn't match up to how they used to act." 

The Captain reached up to cup his chin. "That's very strange, indeed," he murmured. He lifted his gaze to Merle's. "Hopefully, we'll get some answers during our debriefing. Which, I want you to join this time, Merle." 

Merle's demeanor fell like a sack of bricks. "Aw, man, I hate those things." 

"I know." Davenport patted his shoulder, sympathetic. "As do I." 

/ 

Davenport looked around the table, watching his respective department heads examine the footage with confusion on their faces. He solemnly glanced back at it, eyeing the corpse laying on the ground. Pink tourmaline completely covered every surface in the base, including living tissue. Cocoons of crystal lie on the ground, in chairs, stood in the shower... 

"What caused this?" the Captain asked quietly. "Why did these people just.. let themselves be killed like this?" 

His heads of staff didn't meet his eyes. Merle grimaced down at his soulwood arm, examining each ridge and ring; Lup and Taako were inspecting their nails, black with flaming decals and glittery purple, respectively. Magnus had his arms folded, and Barry was cleaning his glasses on the hem of his robe. Even steadfast Lucretia was fidgeting in her chair. Davenport sighed, leaning back in his seat at the head of the table. 

"We have to get to the bottom of this," he demanded, lightly thumping his fist on the table. 

Merle spoke up, carefully choosing his words. "Well, bio-analysis proved that they weren't partying or anything. There were no traces of inhibiting substances in their systems." 

"Or maybe they just went straight up kooky-dooks," Lup suggested, twirling a finger next to her ear.  
Magnus shook his head. "Nah, there'd be something that caused it, right?" 

"Yeah, obviously. But what? Our spectro-readings showed no contamination," Barry protested. "There weren't any unusual elements present on the scene at all." 

"At least none that your tricorder could detect," Lup fired back. 

Barry bristled a little, the shells of his ears tinged pink. "Our instruments pick up everything they're designed to register," he protested. He dipped his chin slightly, eyes darting away from Lup's as their gazes met over the table. "Space still has infinite unknowns." 

Davenport frowned at their fruitless conversation. "We need the closest possible measure of the breakup of this planet," he cut in. "To do this, we need the Starblaster in a critically tight orbit." His crew nodded at the proposed method. Before they could get too comfortable, he continued, "But here's a question. Could what happened to those crew members down there create any unusual danger to this ship and her crew?" His eyes landed on Merle, holding his gaze from behind the spectacles. 

Merle didn't respond. Davenport closed his eyes. 

Lucretia piped up after a moment of pause, "We will need top efficiency, Captain. It will tricky."

"Not too tricky for us," Lup remarked, shooting her twin a grin. 

"When the planet begins to go," she continued, acknowledging the twins with a slight nod of her head, "there will be drastic changes in size, gravity pull.. even magnetic field." 

Davenport scanned the assembled bridge crew members once again. "The purpose of a briefing, ladies and gentlemen, is to get answers based on your abilities and experiences." He met eyes with each member. "In a critical orbit, there's no time for surprises." 

Lup leaned back in her chair, breaking the solemn stillness that'd settled over them. "Unless you guys up on the bridge start showering with all your clothes on, there won't be a thing my engines can't pull us out of," she declared, grinning at Davenport from the other side of the table. "You say 'warp us out of here', I say 'what factor?'" 

Davenport returned her smirk lopsidedly, but the whistle of the intercom interrupted him before he could even open his mouth. "Bridge to Captain." 

He glanced over at it and accepted the call. "Captain here." 

The voice of Lt. Miller crackled over the com. "Scanners show a sudden four-degree shift in the magnetic pull, and a dramatic change in mass as well, sir." 

"It's starting," Barry said somberly. "The unusually rapid shifts." 

Davenport grimaced at the serious slant of his frown. "On our way, Lieutenant," he replied, jerking his head at Barry. As they stood from their seats, Davenport threw a smirk back at Lup. "I'll hold you to that boast, Lup. Better stay alert." 

/

"Sickbay to bridge." The intercom whistled, and Merle's gravelly voice sounded unusually serious. Davenport immediately accepted the call. "Captain Davenport, please report to medbay. I have some private matters to discuss with you." 

"On my way." Davenport slid out of his chair, forehead creased at the formality Merle was sticking to. That always meant something was wrong. 

As he approached the turbolift, the helm began to beep. Davenport whirled around, eyes catching the alarm as it flashed red. "Status report," he requested, walking back toward the helm and standing between Taako and Greg Grimaldis. "What's going on?" 

"Looks like the planet is condensing faster than we thought." Greg rubbed furiously at his palm as Taako tapped at the helm. Davenport eyed the second navigator as he focused entirely on scratching his skin, not piloting their vessel. Taako added, "Relative gravity increase, homie." 

"Compensate." Greg Grimaldis continued to rub at his sweating palms. A twinge of anger made him reach past Greg Grimaldis, and adjusted the sliders himself. "Compensate," he snapped, watching the paladin jolt. On the viewfinder, the planet's surface grew farther as the Starblaster lifted away from it. Davenport nudged at Taako with an elbow. "Stay alert." 

Taako inclined his chin. "We'll see." 

Lucretia, now seated in his chair, gave him a subtle nod as he passed by again; the kind of nod that informed him that she'd be watching over. Reassured, Davenport walked over to the lift once again and disappeared into it. 

Merle looked uncharacteristically grim once Davenport rode the turbolift down to sickbay and entered with a swish of the door. "What's going on, Merle?" he asked, stopping just in front of the dwarven medic. "It's never good when you sound that serious."  
"I take offense to that." Merle just didn't sound enthusiastic enough for it to be a typical lighthearted jab. He cleared his throat as his reply fell flat. "Just come with me. I've got something to show you." 

Davenport's brow furrowed, gaze locked on the back of Merle's head as he followed the cleric into the main ward, where the patients were held. Beds were lined against each of the walls, all but one of them empty, covered in stiff, sterile sheets. The form of a person laying in one drew the captain's eye, and he realized that Merle was heading in that direction. 

Lieutenant Science Officer Maureen Miller lay stiffly in bed, eyes opened and hands folded over her abdomen. The back of her hands faintly glimmered as the light touched them, contrasting with the dark brown blood dried on her curled-up fingers. 

"What happened..?" Davenport whispered, breath stolen by the sight of her glazed, empty eyes staring up at the ceiling. "How did she die?!" 

"Suicide," Merle said simply. "And then, she simply gave up." 

Davenport ripped his eyes away from Science Officer Miller -- Maureen; they didn't know each other well, beyond a professional captain-subordinate relationship, but he felt that she deserved to be referred to by name -- and stared hard at Merle. "Clarify." 

Merle heaved a sigh, the exhale crackling and rattling. He sounded truly old, for the first time since Davenport met him. "About an hour after she underwent the decontamination process, Ms. Miller reported a headache to me that she said was interfering with her ability to work. I kind of thought she was being a baby, like most people with headaches, are, so I told her, you know. 'Take two and call me in the morning.'" He closed his eyes. "Another hour or so after I talked to her, I was watering Georgina. Y'know, my alfengrape?" 

Davenport rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know Georgina, Merle. I know all of your plants." 

A fond smile flickered onto Merle's face, then vanished into another grave frown. "Well, I was interrupted in the middle of chatting with her. A body was brought to my office, with a non-critical stab wound." He tilted his head toward Maureen. "She was in the rec room, talking to her son Lucas when she just... lost it. Out of nowhere. Stabbed herself twice in the torso." 

The gnomish captain shook his head. "A person can't just lose it out of nowhere." 

"That's what I said," Merle agreed. "But I looked through her medical history. Mental health was in sound order. Physical health could've been a little better, but couldn't everyone's be? Personality quotients indicated that sure, she might've always had a sense of self-doubt, but who doesn't? There isn't anything that should have brought that to the surface, especially with such intensity. Physiological responses were totally fine. Everything was in good, working condition." 

Davenport's heart sunk. "'Were'?" 

"While I was operating, her vital signs began to fluctuate oddly. Heart rate dropped all of a sudden, then returned to normal. Blood pressure spiked, respiration slowed to a complete stop..." Merle shook his head. "She shouldn't have died, Dav. The wounds weren't that severe. The weapon she used missed any vital organs, which is a fucking miracle, and I know my jokes aren't bad enough to make ya want to just give up like that." 

"Says you." 

Merle narrowed his eyes at the joke. "I'll remember that next time you're on one of these beds, Dav." 

Davenport turned back to face Maureen's corpse. "I have to know what did this to her, Merle. It could claim more lives." 

"I'm workin' on it, but keep coming up with jack shit." Merle shrugged, sighing deeply. Davenport emphasized with his frustration; putting a hand on the medic's shoulder, the captain declined his chin. 

"You'll find it, Merle. I know you will." 

The corners of Merle's mouth twitched upwards. "I sure hope so, Dav." 

A silence stretched between them as Davenport sunk into his thoughts, and Merle turned to consult with a palm that nestled in the corner of his office, Charlie. The captain observed Maureen's cadaver, eyes carefully examining her from head to toe. His eye caught the slight sparkle of her hands, still locked together on her abdomen, and stilled. Information flickered in the back of his brain, recalling pictures of pink tourmaline...

"Do you think it's a coincidence?" he asked abruptly.

Merle nearly dropped the small bag of fertilizer he was holding. "What?" he questioned, muffling a swear at the sight of dirt now scattered at the base of Charlie's pot. 

"Maureen was on the planet with Barry," Davenport clarified, looking over at Merle. "Do you think decontamination didn't completely work? Didn't catch something?" 

The cleric's face pinched as he pondered the information. "That's... actually not a bad thought you just had, Dav," he said slowly, straightening up from where he was bent. He grunted as his back popped, but ignored it. "I knew that Bureau-regulated decontamination process was nothing but a bunch'a garbage! That ray of pure skin cancer couldn't keep out the flu!" 

Davenport smiled a little lopsidedly as Merle grumbled. But his smile fell quickly as he connected the dots. "But.. if Maureen was infected somehow, some way..." 

Merle's eyes met his. "...what does that say for Barold Bluejeans?" 

/ 

The monitor flashed and beeped with an ongoing stream of constantly changing data. Barry's eyes stung from behind his glasses with sleep deprivation as he observed the changes in the planet's status. An arm rose from folded on the console to occasionally wipe his forehead, which was gleaming with sweat. 

"Barold, my guy." Taako's voice spoke from directly next to him, and Barry nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight of the elf leaning against the console, a sugary-smelling macaron with a bite in it in hand. 

"What's up, Taako?" he managed to avoid stuttering. Thankfully, none of his colleagues -- despite their brilliance -- had noticed his stammer whenever he directly spoke one of the twins, or especially both. 

Taako took a dainty nibble of his treat. "You smell like garbage, dude." 

Blush immediately warmed his face. "H-hey," he protested. "That's not very nice of you to say..." 

The navigator shrugged, crumbles from his macaron flying off. "I'm just saying, my man, you kinda need some deodorant. Lup has this flowery perfume on her shelf in our room, and it's strong enough to knock an Excaliban unconscious." He flattened his hand and cut it through the air to emphasize his point, still munching on a bite of almond cookie and frosting. "It'd totally work on covering your... human muskiness." 

Barry glanced back at the monitor, watching the data reform itself again. "No, that's fine." He coughed, ears prickling. "I'll just ask the Captain to turn down the heat a little." 

Taako shrugged once again and popped the remaining bite of his macaron in his mouth. "Suit yourself, Barold. I'd recommend a nice shower, though." 

As the elf pushed himself off of the console and meandered back over to his station, Barry shot a glimpse up at the clock in the corner of his monitor. "Actually," he said, swiveling in his chair to face Taako. "It is time for swing shift to start. So I may take you up on that." 

Taako wrinkled his nose a little."Take yourself up on it, Bill Nye," he said, collapsing in his own seat at the helm, relieving some subordinate that was substituting alpha shift for him. 

Barry blushed again at the correction and stood from his chair. "R-right." Damn it, that stutter was there again. Unbothered, and perhaps relieved that Barry wasn't showering with him, Taako turned in his own chair and redirected his attention to the helm once again. 

More than a little relieved that the elf was now blissfully ignoring him once more, Barry shot a look over at Lucretia. The communications expert-cum-First Officer sensed his eyes on her, and looked up at the time herself, granting him permission to depart with a slight nod of her head. 

The solitary ride in the turbolift meant a full minute of self-reflection. 

Disgusting. 

Barry blinked, a thought striking him as he reflected upon the curved, silver wall of the turbolift. He bit his lip, glancing up at the security camera that surely was watching him intently, and lifted his arm up. He sniffed at his armpit self-consciously. 

Elves did have keener senses than humans, he recalled, sniffing several times and smelling nothing garbage-like at all. Grimacing at Taako's blunt criticism of his.. scent, Barry paused as the turbolift stopped at the housing deck and left as soon as the doors slid apart. The walk back to his quarters was stiff, with arms locked at his sides, just in case his sniffer was faulty and everyone else could smell him from a mile away. 

When he nearly collided with a very good-smelling somebody, he nearly jumped out of his (apparently) smelly skin. "L-Lup! Hi!" 

Lup smiled at him, a strand of hair falling into her eye. "Barry," she greeted, reaching up to push the hair off of her forehead. "What's up, my guy?" 

"I'm, uh." The abashed Science Officer rubbed the back of his neck, laughing nervously at her presence. "Heading back to my quarters. Your brother told me I smell like, um, garbage." 

Lup's friendly smile went lopsided. "Don't let him get him get to you. He doesn't really like to sugarcoat things, so it means he has, like, zero filter." 

Barry shrugged. "Vulcans never lie, right?" 

Lup paused, her eyes glinting unreadably as she watched his face. "Right." Her nose suddenly wrinkled up. "But.. you do kinda smell weird. But like sweat, not garbage." 

Barry chuckled. "I know. I'm roasting alive up on the bridge.. Captain must have cranked up the heat or something." 

Lup put a hand on her hip, cocking it out as she shifted into a more relaxed position. Barry's eyes darted down to a sliver of skin peeking out from beneath the hem of her top, but tore his gaze back up to her face. "If any of the runts down in Engineering decided to warm up the whole ship just because they're too lazy to wear a jacket, I'll give 'em a whack on the head for you, okay, Barold?" She leaned forward, more into his personal bubble than he was expecting from her, making his breath catch, and merely punched him playfully on the shoulder. 

The science officer nodded. Suddenly, he felt desperate to get away from her, due to the prickling of his cheeks. Curse his white complexion; it made every slight pigmentation glaringly obvious. "Thanks. Um. I appreciate it." Barry forced a smile, trying to coax it from being too nervous-looking. 

Lup grinned half-heartedly. "See you around, Barry," she said, waving at him as she brushed past. Barry pivoted in place, watching her leave and lamely waving back as she departed. When she disappeared around the corner he'd come around, he backpedaled a few steps, then spun around on his heel, heading toward his private quarters. He whacked a palm against his forehead as he replayed the conversation back to himself. 

For a smart person, you sure are stupid as dicks, Barry scolded himself. Way to mention that hot girl's abandoned heritage during the friendly conversation, Bluejeans. Muttering to himself, about himself, Barry headed toward the shower cubicle in the back part of his quarters, letting the door close behind him. 

"Bring sonic temperature to 65 degrees Faerunheit," he commanded the seemingly empty room. "Room temperature to 75 degrees. Pressure to medium. Uh, please." 

Barry removed his glasses, folding them up and placing them on the bathroom counter. His hands went to the hem of his shirt, tugging it up the curve of his stomach and up to his chest. Tossing it against the opposite wall, Barry grit his teeth as his vision went dim, colors spinning in the edges of his sight as another wave of dizziness hit him. His palm pressed against the wall, keeping him standing steady as his knees wobbled. 

Barry supposed that the experience down on the planet had... shaken him up a little. Seeing once-alive people, cocooned in pink tourmaline, after being rendered completely incapable of caring about themselves... he wasn't accustomed to seeing dead bodies outside of statistics. 

Cap'nport would not be impressed. Taako would not be impressed. Lup would definitely not be impressed, right now: a half-naked man in his forties, rendered breathless and dizzy by seeing some corpses. Pathetic. Embarrassment welled in him, mingled with irritation, that made the corners of his eyes prickle. Barry squeezed them shut, effectively shutting out whatever tears were threatening to spring out. 

He wasn't just some nerd who wore jeans all the time... 

(Well, he did wear nothing but blue jeans. The name carried true, after all.) 

Barry's turbulent feelings suddenly calmed, like the sea after a storm. His eyes cracked open, then shot open wide, and glazed over as the fog crawling across his brain overwhelmed coherency. His lips drew into a dashing smirk that was quite unlike him, and with a newfound aplomb, picked himself off of the ground. A novel idea sprung to mind, and he left the room, without a shirt and with a suave determination to prove himself. 

Barry Bluejeans? 

Who's that nerd?? 

/ 

"Gravity pull increasing, Cap'n." Taako's head bobbed back and forth as he observed the monitors. "We've gotta stabilize this bad boy sooner than later, or else we're gonna splat on the face of that planet like the muffin Lup dropped earlier." 

"Warp us out of here," Davenport ordered. 

"The engines aren't responding." Taako's fingers flew across the helm, tapping and pressing every possible button. "I've got no power signatures on our bond core. It's straight dead, homie." 

Davenport's eyebrows furrowed. "Impulse engines, then. Blast us out of orbit."

Taako shook his head. "Also dead, my man." 

Davenport and Lucretia shared a look. The First Officer switched on the intercom to the engine room. "Engineering, we need power! The helm is dead." Silence greeted her call, and she frowned at the lack of answer, eagerly leaning forward. "Engine room, respond!" 

The elevator doors slid open, and the Chief Engineer herself stepped onto the bridge. "What is up, my dudes?" Lup asked, shooting her fellow bridge crew members the finger guns. 

Taako spun around in his chair. "The sky, my man," he replied, shooting her back and winking. 

Davenport jolted at the sight of her. "Lup!? What are you doing out of the engine room?! We've been trying to call you, we're totally dead up here! There's no response from our warp engines, our impulse engines..." 

Lup's grin faded. "What? I thought you needed me up here." 

"Who told you that?" 

"Barry did!" 

Davenport's temples throbbed. Frustration bubbled in him like boiling water. "Barry is not your commanding officer, Lup," he snapped, "I am. Therefore, unless I specifically call you from the bridge, you are not to listen to orders from Science Officer Barry Bluejeans about what I want!" 

"Well, gee." Lup swallowed thickly. "Tell me how you really feel. Sir." 

Her abashed face extinguished his irritation. Davenport inhaled deeply, then released it. "I'm.. I'm sorry for snapping at you, Lup. I understand why you'd think what you did. I might have done the exact same if I were in your shoes. Please forgive me." 

"No sweat, Cap'n." Lup brightened once again, going over to stand next to Lucretia. "Lucy, hit up the engine room and hook 'em up for me." 

Lucretia nodded and swiveled back around, flipping switches and pressing buttons. She paused, listening to a dead tone in her ear, and shook her head quizzically, leaning forward as she reworked the controls. "All I hear is a dial tone," she reported, spinning back around to Lup and Davenport. "I think someone has rerouted communications." 

"Barry," Davenport growled. He reached into his pocket and flipped open his stone of farspeech. "We'll go manual, then. Magnus, come in!" He fiddled with the side dial, attempting to tune into the correct frequency. 

Magnus' voice came through in a crackle of static. "What's up, Cap'n?" he asked, sounding chipper even through the stone.  
"Magnus, I need you to locate and contain Science Officer Bluejeans." Davenport adjusted the frequency knob just a hair, and Magnus' sound of confusion came through crystal clear. "Don't have time to explain, just do it. Something tells me he may be in the engine room, check there first." 

"You got it, Cap'n. I'll find 'im." Magnus closed the connection, and Davenport kept on rolling, tuning in to Merle's private frequency. "Merle, come in, Merle." 

There was muffled rustling. Merle's gruff voice muttered, "Shit, shit, where is it?", as Davenport waited. "What is it?" the medic finally answered, apparently located his stone. Davenport would have to talk to him about that later; the stone was to be kept on the person at all times, in case of emergencies -- like this one. 

"Merle, have you discovered anything about why the people we rescued from the planet are behaving so unusually?" he asked.  
"Not yet," Merle responded, to the Captain's chagrin. "Can hardly even get close to the Dragonborn without her growling at me, and the orc lady just wants to hug me like I'm a fuckin' teddy bear!" 

The mental image of a Merle teddy bear made Davenport's mouth threaten to twitch up into a smile. "Please keep trying," he ordered, glancing around the bridge. Lup and Lucretia were still trying to re-reroute communications back to the bridge, and Taako was furiously trying to revive the helm. "I'll check back in later. Oh, and I'd suggest preparing for another visit from Barry. Maybe use the straps this time." 

Taako shuddered from the helm. "Cruel and unusual punishment." 

"Davenport out." Pocketing his stone of farspeech, the Captain turned to head into the elevator but stopped short as the doors slid open. 

"Bon soir, Monsieur Davenport." 

"..Barry?" Lup squinted at his face, trying to distinguish her nerdy friend from the wild-eyed, gleaming with sweat.. broad-shouldered, surprisingly muscular, roguishly smirking... doppelganger that stood on the bridge. "Barry, is that you?" 

"'Tis I indeed, my fair lady." Barry smiled widely at her. Lup stepped back, startled, as he suddenly dropped to one knee in front of her and grabbed her hand. He brushed his lips across the back of her palm. She blushed spectacularly. "Your knight in shining armor has arrived. Sir Sildar Jean Hallwinter, at your service." 

Taako shot up from his seat at the helm. "Fucking whom?" he laughed. His amusement quickly faded, watching his sister's cheeks darken as the delusional scientist kissed up her arm. The thin thread of his patience snapped as Barry angled his head into the crook of Lup's neck and kissed there. 

"Oh, for good fuck's sake!" he exclaimed as he watched Lup giggle somewhat nervously, blush overtaking her entire face. His nose wrinkled; he didn't want to watch his sister feel arousal, ever, in a million years, especially at the hands of fucking Barry J. Bluejeans. "Listen, Barold, I dunno what the fuck is up with you, but it's time to lay off and go back to your science lair." Taako crossed the bridge in an instant, hand going for Barry's shoulder and whirling him around to smack sense into. 

"Stand back!"

Taako stared down the sharp, pointed tip of a gleaming silver rapier. "Wait, where the fuck did you get that..?" he asked quizzically. 

"A musketeer always has his weapon at the ready," Barry explained smugly. He jabbed the rapier at Taako, narrowly avoiding one pointed ear. "Engarde!" 

"Barold!" Lup squawked as Barry swung widely, swiping across Taako's chest. The sword left a diagonal slice in her brother's uniform top, which he would probably be more pissed about than any sort of actual physical damage. "Barry, what's the matter with you?! Put that shit away!" 

A finger on her mouth stunned her silent. "Please, my lady," Barry all but purred, "it's Sildar." 

"Taako, stand down!" Davenport barked, watching Taako's hackles rise. He stepped forward, in front of the enraged elf who'd began to detach his earrings, hands held up genially. "Barry, I know you're not in your right mind at the moment. But I need you to stand down. Give the sword to me, and release Lup." 

Barry swiped at him. "Back, I say!" 

Just behind Taako, the elevator doors slid open with a swish, and Chief of Security Magnus Burnsides rushed onto the bridge. "Where is he?!" he demanded, wildly looking around. Magnus spotted the wild Science Officer just on the other side of Taako and Davenport, and ran forward to join them. "There! Barry, stop running away from me, or so help me, I'll--" 

"Stay back!" Barry held the rapier handle out of Lup's reach as she tried to swipe it from him, pointing it back at Taako, then Davenport, and gave her a warm look as he squeezed her waist. "I'll protect you, fair maiden!" he vowed, looking over at Magnus as the larger human approached, tensed, ready to spring. "Stay back, I say!" 

Lup's lip curled. "Sorry, Barold, but ch'a girl is neither fair nor some shitty maiden." She snaked her arm over Barry's wrapped around her waist, and fastened her hand at the junction of his shoulder and neck. The rouge Science Officer stiffened as she pinched, but his limbs quickly loosened around her, and she took the opportunity to slip out of his hold. Lup's frown screwed up with concentration as she pinched harder, and Barry fell to his knees, eyes rolling into the back of his head. Magnus rushed forward, trying to prevent him from collapsing. Lup dusted her hands off, putting them on her hips. "I'm motherfucking Lup Taaco!" 

"Man, you've gotta teach me that someday," Magnus said, bending down to haul Barry's limp form into his arms. 

Lup nodded, and turned to walk to the elevator. "I've got to get back down to Engineering and try to get our engines back. Taako, my man, try to do everything you can up here, I'll be in touch shortly!" With a woosh of the doors, she was gone, the lift swiftly taking her down to her quarter. 

"Take D'artagnon here to sickbay," Davenport ordered Magnus. The security officer nodded, Barry's limp head lolling around as he moved, and turned to take the next lift down to the medical quarter as it arrived. Magnus stood in front of the elevator, throwing panicked looks at Davenport, and the Captain turned to Lucretia. "Clear that tube, will you?" he asked irritably. 

"Yes, sir," she replied, turning back to her control panel. 

"Taako, status." 

"Well, uh." Taako skimmed over a screen of readings. "We've got about twenty minutes until we enter the planet's atmosphere and--"

"And burn up like a bad tray of cookies, I know, Taako." Davenport gritted his teeth as the intercom crackled to life above their heads.  
He missed the way Taako's hand clenched into a fist. Davenport marched over to the conn and furiously pressed the intercom button for the engine room. "Engineering, come in." No answer, and he ground his jaws together. "Lup, acknowledge!!" 

"You rang, sir?" 

The lazy voice that spoke through the channel made him startle. "Who's this?" he asked, bewildered. 

"This is Captain Gregory Grant Grimaldis, of the starship Starblaster. And who is this?" 

Davenport clenched his fists. "This is Captain Davenport. Get out of the engine room, navigator," he snapped, "and tell me where Lup is." 

"Oh, don't worry about Ms. Lup. See, I've relieved her of her duties." Grimaldis closed their connection and switched to the main intercom system. Davenport left the conn and stormed over to the elevator. He stopped short just of running into it and turned to Lucretia with gritted teeth. 

"Lucretia, clear the tube," he commanded. 

With a nod, she silently called the lift for him. Davenport turned back to the elevator and stepped up to it, but as seconds passed, his frustration began to rise again, bubbling like acid. He cracked his knuckles anxiously, pacing back and forth. "Did you call it?" he asked, whirling around as it suddenly opened behind him. "Never mind!" 

"Now, attention cooks, this is your captain speaking. I would like.. double portions of ice cream for the entire crew!" 

"You know what?" Taako chimed in from the helm, as Davenport was whisked away by the lift. "I think maybe Greg Grimaldis is worth a shot after all." 

/ 

Lup stood in front of the engine room, swearing viciously and pounding on the doors with her fists. "Get your sorry ass out here, Grimaldicks!" she spat, giving the tightly sealed doors a kick. "And maybe I'll take it easy on the ass kicking you'll be getting!"  
Davenport sprinted down the corridor toward her, slowing as she swore again. "How did he get in there?" he asked, slightly short of breath. 

"He snuck in behind me when I left to visit the bridge," Lup said, turning to him. Her ears drooped. "And managed to throw Hurley out while I was gone." 

Hurley, Lup's stocky, freckle-covered right-hand-man, straightened from where she was crouched next to the doors. "He told me that you needed me in your office," she said, a defensive edge creeping into her voice. "And when I left Noelle in charge, he shut down her power source!" 

Lup spat out another litany of swears, this time in her native tongue. Davenport looked at her disapprovingly, but let it fly. "It's nobody's fault but his own," he said to the two women. "It appears that he's under the same influence as Barry was." 

At the mention of Barry, Lup's cheeks burst into flame. 

So did a pathetic potted sapling Merle had placed down there, 'to liven the place up a little'.

Hurley rushed for the nearby extinguisher, and Lup's shoulders hunched up to her ears with embarrassment. Davenport frowned at her. "Save.. that.. for another time when we're not on the clock," he said. "We've only got less than twenty minutes until our life support systems die, too. Which means we have to get in there, now!" 

"He's got us completely locked out." Lup crossed her arms and sighed. 

"Can't you get to the auxiliary?" 

The Chief Engineer shook her head. "Can't. He's hooked everything through the main panel in there." Her eyes widened suddenly, and she relinquished her defeated posture. "Get to my office," she ordered Hurley. "Get me the plans for this bulkhead." Her second-in-command rushed off, and Lup turned to the wall next to the door. She raised her hand and splayed her fingertips against it. The paneling glowed a soft blue as she channelled magic into it. Lup grinned. "Looks like I'm going in through the circuitry." 

/ 

Greg Grimaldis had moved on to singing ancient folk songs by the time Davenport returned to the bridge. "Status report!" he called out. 

Lucretia swiveled to face him. "Reports of incidents among the crewmen are continuing to rise, Captain," she said. Her lips thinned as Greg's voice cracked on a particularly high note. "Mr. Grimaldis has closed off all communication channels, so we've had to inform each level manually through farspeech. I've already had my ice cream privileges revoked for... interrupting his song."

The Captain shook his head, teeth grinding behind tight lips. "Seal off decks one through four," Davenport ordered gravely. "Hopefully, we can minimize the spread of whatever this is." He trekked over to his chair and sat heavily in it, furiously pressing the button for sickbay. "Merle, come in." 

"Cap'n, Greg still has the com channels cut off, remember?" Lucretia offered. 

Davenport slammed his fist against the button-covered arm. "Right, right." Fishing his stone of farspeech from his pocket, he ordered Magnus down to engineering, then contacted Merle. 

Just as the good doctor picked up, the ship lurched. The bridge crew was thrown out of their chairs, left clinging to their panels as the starship rumbled and shook as their orbit began to decay. "Pan damn it!" Merle sounded far away from his stone, but his swearing got louder as he neared it again. "Look, can you keep this thing steady? I've got Denimpants here in diagnostics, and I can't guarantee that I won't stab him with something if I'm getting thrown across the room every few seconds."

"What'd you find?" 

A long, suffering sigh. "Nothing unusual in his bloodstream. Body functions seem completely normal, except for a ton of sweating. I can't find anything wrong!" 

"Greg Grimaldis is the immediate problem, Merle," Davenport snapped. "Is there anything you can do to snap him out of it? If I hear another second of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' done by Greg fucking Grimaldis, I'm gonna lose it." 

"Ooh, does he take requests?" Merle asked. "I'm in the mood for some Chesney. Or maybe Buffet. Oh, why not both!" Davenport pinched the bridge of his nose, temples throbbing. He was trying to refrain from cursing Merle to Homeworld and back. Merle understood his dialect of Gnomish, and he'd definitely be fussed at for saying such mean things. 

"Just... keep working on Barry, Merle," he managed to grind out. "I'll be in touch. Over and out." 

"Attention, crew!" Greg chimed in, just as he put away his stone of farspeech. "I have some additional orders. In the future, all female crew members will wear their hair loosely, about their shoulders. That Bureau-regulated bun is so stiff and impersonal... Oh, this just in! I've received some requests! Shout out to Merle Highchurch down in sickbay, this one's for you, pal!" 

As Grimaldis started singing the first verses of Margaritaville, Davenport glanced at the viewscreen, where the crystal planet was showing visible cracks from all the seismic activity. He'd rather be anywhere else in the universe, even down there, than in his Captain's chair. 

/ 

Lup glanced around at the tube she was in, nervously observing the intricate circuitry surrounding her in the small space. She barely had enough room to bring her shirt up and mop her sweaty forehead. Trekking through the fringes of claustrophobia clawing at her mind, she placed her foot on a circuit box and hauled herself up more, gripping the small devices in her hand tightly.

She carefully reached up and placed a limited electromagnetic pulsator on another box above her head. Two more placements and she bit her lip, inching her way back down the maintenance tube. 

"I've placed the jumpers," she told Hurley as she backed out of the tube's entrance. "Wait 'til I give you the signal, then get in there and kick his ass out!" Hurley diligently handed her the controller and ran back through the entryway to stand in front of the engine room doors. Lup squinted as the fog rolled in over her brain, and reached up to wipe away more sweat on her forehead. Her hands trembled as she held the controller in one hand, the other fishing around for her stone of farspeech. 

"Engineering to bridge," she said hoarsely. "Taako, are you there?" 

"You're talking to Taako. What's up, girlfriend?" 

"I bought you some more time. About twenty minutes. You should have enough power to stabilize for some fifteen minutes, but after that, we're gonna divebomb the shit outta this planet." 

"Roger that, Lulu."

"Tell him that I'm working on this bulkhead, next. Gotta cut through carefully, but I'm motherfucking Lup Taaco, I can do it before you say 'Cap'n Davenport' four times fast." Lup grinned, rubbing her forehead on her sleeve as sweat dripped down her skin. "TTYL!" 

Lup shoved her stone of farspeech back into her pocket and made her way down the hallway to her engine room. Hurley handed her the maintenance laser, but Lup shook her head. Channeling pyrodestructive energy through her hands, Lup grinned maniacally at the circuitry panel and raised her flaming fingertips up to it. 

/ 

"We've got about eighteen minutes left, homie!" 

Taako swiveled around in his chair at the helm, putting his hands behind his head as he locked the ship onto a stabilized autopilot. "Just FYI," he added helpfully. 

Davenport threw him a nasty glare. "If you're not going to actually do anything," he snapped, "and sit there like a lazy rock, then why don't you head down to sickbay and see if you can help Merle? At least see if you can get him to request Grimaldis to give me some ABBA. Or go help Lup out. Move her faster, if we've only got that long left. She has to get through that bulkhead." 

Taako stood from his chair as Lucretia wordlessly moved from her seat at the useless, dead communications panel to man the helm. "Got it, Captain," he said with a sarcastic salute. Davenport's short temper must have been rubbing off on him, as well. He stalked to the elevator and got in, ordering it to take him to Engineering. 

As he departed from the lift, the sound of hysterical cackling filled the air. Taako was startled to see one of his own subordinates stumbling around the hallway leading to the Engineering quarter. "Go to fuckin' sickbay, my guy. Your face is going to explode if you don't stop this ugly cackling." Taako brushed past the bugbear with little more than a glance backward. 

On the ground down the hall laid an abandoned paintbrush. Freshly painted vandalism, Love Everyone, dripped down the wall. Taako wrinkled his nose at the propaganda and continued on. 

"Hello there, Taako!" A voice called out to him, stopping him in his tracks as he turned the corner. A hooded figure stood in front of the elevator, a sharp-toothed grin peeking out from the shadow of the cowl. 

"Garfield, my man," Taako greeted, as the figure hovered toward him. "Listen, homie, now isn't really the time." 

Garfield's eyes glowed from within the shadow of the cowl as he peered up at Taako. "But there's always time to make a splendid deal with yours truly!" he protested. "And boy, do I have The Deal for you!" His arm snaked around Taako's shoulder. "Listen, my guy, who doesn't love a frosty cold drink, right? I've got this ring that would just finish off that fabulous look you've got going on, and it's only--" 

"Listen, Garf," Taako interrupted, Blinking out of Garfield's embrace, reappearing several feet down the hall past the warlock. "I'd love to buy some of your shit right now, I really would. After the way Davenport's been chewing my ass off today, I need to do some shopping. But I've gotta get down to Engineering, and--" 

"You'll get down there faster if you buy something!" Garfield reasoned. "I've got this Wand of Switcheroo that no one will take off my poor, orange hands, and I know you'd put some real use to it! What do you say, Taako, my dear friend?" 

Taako's ear twitched irritably. "If I buy something, will you fuck the fuck off?"

Garfield nodded furiously. "Yes, yes! I'll leave you alone for the rest of the day, let you get on with your orders and all that, if you buy this Wand of Switcheroo, aaaand how about this Ring of Pointing?" He waved his paws, and with a small puff of smoke, the items appeared, floating above his cape-covered head. The Wand of Switcheroo was the color of coffee creamer, fading into a darker brown near the tip; finely-carved lines were crisscrossed in a space right above the handle. And the Ring of Pointing was a gleaming copper band, with a faintly glowing ruby inlaid in the middle. 

Taako sighed, visibly irritated. "Fuck it, I'll take 'em."

Garfield gleefully dropped them into his palms. "That'll be 1,500 gold, my good sir." 

Taako sneered at Garfield's toothy grin, and handed him a plastic, gilded card from a walletfold he kept who-knows-where. "Do you have a chip reader?" 

Garfield whipped out a small machine, with appropriate slots and a keypad on it. "Pleasure doing business with you, Taako!" he proclaimed after the necessary purchase was confirmed. He extended his paw out to Taako. "Whaddaya say to a handshake between business partners?" 

Taako's ears flattened against the side of his skull, tight and tense with anger, but he pulled a smirk onto his face as he slapped his palm against Garfield's and fluttered their fingers together. "It was a real slice," he drawled, giving the deals warlock a mock salute. "But I've gotta make like a banana and get outta here. Ta-ta, Garf!" 

"Ta-ta, Taako!" Garfield called as Taako whirled around and began to trek down the hallway. "A real slice, indeed!" 

/ 

Lup's head felt so hot, even as she leaned it against the cool metal of the doors. Engineering was still locked up tight, Greg Grimaldis still lurking inside, because she'd placed the controller down somewhere and forgotten where it was. Hurley lay curled up on the ground, unconscious, her clothes still smoking where the fireball had impacted with her chest. 

Her thoughts were swimming. Memories kept jumping out at her -- Taako, her, their aunt, their homeworld, the hard streets; Magnus, Lucretia, Merle, Davenport -- and distracting her. Lup held up her hands, curling and uncurling her fingers, watching her sweat-slick palms gleam. Her hands were numb, unable to be felt, and the same numbness was spreading to the rest of her body like the crystal down on the planet. 

Footsteps racing down the hallway made her look up. "Taako," she gasped. "Taako, help me, please." 

Taako rushed toward her, cape fluttering behind him as he ran. "Lup, what's the matter?!" he asked, watching her watch her hands tremble. He kneeled in front of her, and reached out, gripping onto her wrists to try and keep them steady. 

"I-I can't feel my hands, Taako," Lup whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. "I can't feel anything! My whole body feels like, like it's not even here! Am I here, Taako?!" 

"Yes, Lup, you're here. You're right in front of me, Lup, you're on the floor outside Engineering, living, breathing." Taako digs his fingernails into her skin, the painted-on blue biting into her flesh, and tears escaped Lup, sobs clawing their way out of her as the sheer faintness pain drove her even more hysterical. 

Taako watched his sister sob on the floor and felt nothing but horror. "Lup," he breathed, "I'm gonna go get Merle, okay?" 

"Don't leave, Koko!" Lup begged, reaching out for his leg as he straightened up off the ground. "I'll disappear! I'll vanish, I'll be straight up gone!" 

"You won't be gone, Lulu, I promise." Taako leaned down and pressed their foreheads together. Closing his eyes, he cast Calm Emotions on his weeping sibling. His 16 crushed her 4, and Lup's sobbing faded to quiet gasps of breath and sniffling. Taako gave her a reassuring smile, then stood once more. "I'll be back!" he called as he ran back down the corridor, his steps thundering in the quiet halls. 

Medbay was a catastrophe as Taako skidded into the lab. Bodies lay strapped to the examination tables, writhing against their confinements. It was his worst nightmare, actually, and he'd have time to shudder if Lup wasn't crying her eyes out right about now. "Merle!" he screeched. "Merle, Lup's acting all fucked up. You've gotta come help her! God dammit, you old dwarven bastard, where the shit are you hiding?" 

The groaning of patients was driving all sorts of nails into his skull, and Taako glared wildly at them. "Shut up!" he snapped at them. "Stop making those noises!" He yanked the brim of his hat down over his head, hiding his ears and face as the sounds grew louder and louder, echoing in his ears. Tears welled in his eyes, matching the frustration rising within him. "Goddammit-- Barold, this is all your fault! I'm never forgiving you for doing this to us!" 

His braid slung over his shoulder, cape whipping behind him as he fled from the infirmary, the mad cacophony of the sick patients dying in his mind as he ran far, far away from them. 

/ 

Davenport strode down the corridor, Magnus flanking his side. The burly human was one of the few who hadn't seemed to contract the.. whatever it was making his crew insane, but by the immense amount of sweat he was excreting, that probably wouldn't remain true for long. 

But now wasn't the time to think about that. His sharp eyes picked up two crumpled figures on the ground, and sparks of panic ignited in him. Magnus rushed past him, feet thundering on the ground as he raced toward the two. "Lup! Hurley?" Davenport skidded to a stop just behind him, and bent over Hurley, examining her smoking body with alarm growing within him. 

Lup shot up from her balled-up position, gasping. "Magnus! Magnus, you're here!" Her hands grasped for his arms, and she flung herself at him, sobs escaping her. "You're here, but you're too late! I'm already gone! Taako's gone, and I'm gone, and everyone is gone!" 

"Lup, nobody's gone!" Magnus wrapped his arms around her. "We're all still here!" 

"Lup, where did Taako go?" Davenport cut in. "You said he's gone..? Where did he--?" 

Lup burst into a fresh set of sobs, her wailing echoing down the empty corridor. "He was here, and now he's gone! My brother is the only thing I still have, Magnus! Him and the ship! And now they're both gone!" It might be funny in any other situation, but the tears rolling down her face as she choked out how she was going to kill Greg Grimaldis was enough to abort any laughter Davenport could create. 

Magnus craned his head back to give Davenport a sorrowful look. "Taako has to be on the ship somewhere," he said. 

"He's probably sick, too," Davenport said gravely. "And there's no time to search for him. We have roughly fifteen minutes to get this quarter open or else our orbit is going to decay, and we'll fly straight down into that planet!" 

Magnus withdrew his arms from around Lup and stood, nodded grimly. Davenport looked up next to the door, where an oblong-shaped panel was missing from the wall. "It looks like she's already managed to cut through the circuitry, Magnus," he reported. "Lift me up there, and I'll open that door. When I do, you get in there, and you kick Greg Grimaldis out and take him far away from here."

"Roger, Cap'nport!" Magnus hoisted his gnomish captain up to the panel. Davenport winced as the wires inside sparked, but he gritted his teeth against the pain as he reached in and pinched them together. The doors whooshed open, and Magnus dropped him onto his feet, then burst into the room. The sound of struggle drifted from outside the room, and Magnus reappeared, the limp form of Greg Grimaldis slung over his shoulder. 

Davenport helped Lup to her feet, slowly lifting the distraught elf off of the ground, and helped her hobble into the room. "Take him and Hurley both to sickbay, Magnus," he commanded as they made it inside. "And then get your tail back here." 

The human nodded, then bent to awkwardly hoist Hurley onto his other shoulder. With a brisk pace, he set off for the medbay, Greg Grimaldis' legs swaying as he ran. 

Davenport let Lup stand at his side as he hopped into her chair. "Lup, you've got to pull yourself together," he ordered, feet firmly planted on the cushion so he was higher eye-level. The top of his head reached her shoulder. "We have fourteen minutes to get this ship saved, and I need you to do something." 

Lup shook her head miserably. "I can't do anything!" 

Davenport shook his head, parroting her. "You can do everything!" he rebuked. "Lup, do it for Taako!" This made her silent, her gasping sobs cutting short. "He's on the ship somewhere! And Barry is too, he's in medbay! You have to pull yourself together, for their sakes!" Davenport shook her by the shoulders, desperation making him clench her harder than needed. 

Lup's eyes widened at his grip, her eyes refocusing at the pain. "They're here," she breathed, blinking through tearful eyes. "I'm here..! Captain... Davenport, I--"

Davenport smiled up at her. "Glad to have you back, Lup." 

She returned his smile, albeit a bit lopsidedly. "Can you.. loosen up a little bit, please? That kinda hurts." 

Davenport looked down at his hands, still clawing at the fabric of her sleeves, and immediately yanked them back. "Sorry! Sorry." Self-consciously, he hopped down out of her chair and averted his eyes to her control panel. 

"Don't worry about it." Lup sat in her chair, spinning toward the panel, and wiped the sweat off of her forehead. "I dunno how long this.. focus is gonna last, Cap'nport, but I'm gonna try and keep it until we get out of this mess." She sniffled again and gave him a sidelong look. "Please don't tell anyone I was crying." 

"I won't. Captain's honor." Davenport's eyes jumped back and forth, taking in all the flashing lights on the panel, the meters, and gauges. "Get us back on track, Lup, we've got like, twelve minutes before we spiral down toward the planet." 

Lup nodded, fingers beginning to fly over the panel. Her eyebrows furrowed after examining several gauges, and she tapped one with her finger. Her ears shot up at the lack of response from the gauge, and Davenport frowned, sensing her chipper attitude fall. "Cap'n, uh... I have some real bad news," Lup reported, turning her chair toward him. "Greg... turned the engines completely off. They're totally cold." 

Davenport felt his blood turn cold. "What?" 

"There's more to come." Lup winced. "It'll take at least thirty minutes to regenerate 'em." 

"What??" Davenport whispered. "Lup, we only have ten." 

"I can do a lot of crazy things, but even with magic, I still can't change the laws of physics." Lup swallowed thickly. "I've gotta have thirty minutes, Cap'n. Maybe I could shave it down to twenty-five, but. That's as quick as I can go, sir." 

Davenport watched as she stood, and marched her way over to the reactor tanks on the opposite side of the room. "We have to regenerate the engines, Lup," he said. "Now. If there's a way we can, we have to do it." He wracked his brain for a solution, every word that he read about the ship in the academy flying past his retinas. "Lup. What if we resort to the Refuge Method." 

"You can't mix matter and anti-matter cold! We'd go up in the biggest explosion since the U.S.S. Phandalin." Lup frantically flipped a switch on the reactor, examining the readings then marching back over to the panel. 

"We can balance our engines into a controlled implosion," Davenport said firmly, the grip on his clipboard growing tight as his mind leaped forward, focusing on the fate of his ship if they didn't restart the engines as soon as possible. 

Lup whirled around, hair falling over one eye. "You want me to put a theoretical solution to full practical use?" she asked wildly. "No offense, but you're a fucking nut, Captain." 

"It's our only chance." 

"It's our only one in one-hundred thousandth chance!" 

Davenport glared at her. "Find the formula, Lup." 

Lup threw her hands into the air. "How the fuck am I supposed to find the formula? Maybe if we had a row of computers working on it for goddamn weeks, it might be a little easier!" 

"Find the formula, Lup," Davenport repeated firmly. He turned to the control panel and bringing up a biopics program. "Computer, find Taako Taaco." As the computer pinged and began to process his command, he switched to the intercom and attuned it to the medbay. "Magnus, are you there?" 

The intercom whistled. "Magnus here, Cap'n."

"Please tell me that Merle is there with you." 

"Roger, Cap'n, Merle is right here next to me." 

"Merle, how's Barry?" 

Merle coughed as he stepped up to the intercom. His throat-clearing made Davenport wince; he hated that. "I've got some great news for you, Dav," he said. "I've got an antidote for this virus!" 

Davenport blinked, face collapsing as a heavy weight was relieved from his shoulders. "Thank the Gods," he breathed. 

"No, you dingus, thank me," Merle snapped. "Anyway, I managed to isolate the virus. The crystal covering the planet contained a complex chain of molecules that depresses the center of judgment, scrambles the emotional impulses. Makes you act completely out of character. Kinda like a really good liquor, actually." 

"And?" Davenport pressed. 

"And." He could just see the eye roll. "I tested out a counter-serum on good old Barold here, and guess what? After a ton of sweating and freaky-deaky screaming, he just woke up like he was in a trance. Like he hadn't just gone all musketeer up on the bridge or hadn't blasted my dern eardrums out." 

In the background, Davenport could hear Barry protest; a quiet, "Hey, I said sorry," that fell on allegedly-deaf ears. 

"That's wonderful. But is Barry stable enough to work?" Davenport asked. At Merle's affirmative noise, he breathed out with relief. "Good. Send him down here ASAP, Lup needs some help retrieving a formula." 

At his side, Lup bristled. "For the record, I don't need help," she corrected. "I can do it myself. But hey, Captain's orders, and all that." 

"Got it. He'll be down there in a couple minutes." Merle cleared his throat again. "And, uh, Dav? Don't pop a blood vessel while you're running around. You still owe me dinner from the other night." 

Lup gave him a curious look, and Davenport ignored it, but felt his cheeks turn warm regardless. "Worry about that later, Merle! We're about to crash into a planet, you know." 

"Right, right, sorry. Hanging up." Merle paused for a second, then leaned back in, speaking very closely to the intercom. "But don't you forget about that dinner, Captain, or else I'll rise up from the dead and make your also-dead self buy me a meal, got it?" 

"If this works, Merle, I'll buy you all the dinners you want," Davenport promised. "Captain's honor." Before Merle could stall for any longer, Davenport switched off the intercom, ignoring the sense that he'd be getting fussed at for that later. He turned to Lup, who was giving him the smuggest smirk he'd ever seen and bristled. "Get to work, Lup!" 

"Yes, sir," she drawled, snickering at his blushing face. 

Muttering under his breath, Davenport turned and stalked out of the engineering room. 

/ 

Silence. 

Taako was never fond of it. His anxieties were amplified by a lack of interaction -- without Lup's presence near him, without Merle's gruff voice telling him instructions, without Magnus's laughter or Davenport's parental authority and even Lucretia's quiet contribution, he would've gone crazy. 

But now, as he leaned against the doors of an empty conference room, Taako found himself.. refreshed by the lack of people around. 

"I'm Taako," he said to himself. The gentle wave of serenity that had washed over him suddenly drained away, and tears flooded his eyes as the image of Lup, sobbing and crying, of Davenport, snarling and angry, of Barry, out of his mind, returned to him. "And I'm.. in control of my emotions." 

Knees wobbling, Taako staggered over to the conference table, turning a chair around and falling into it. "I'm Taako," he repeated, "and I'm in control of my... m-my emotions." His head fell into his hands. "I'm a.. a navigator on the U.S.S. Starblaster. My duty is to..." His voice shook with anguish, and he bit his lip, the coppery taste of blood filling his mouth as tears escaped his eyes. "I-I'm Taako Taaco! Son of... nephew of... brother of.... friend of... oh Gods..!" 

Shoulders trembling, Taako pressed the heels of his hands into his streaming eyes, bloody lip wobbling. "I-in order to make some baller thirty garlic clove chicken, you have to have.. fuck. A chicken, a half cup of vegetable oil, two cups of thinly sliced onions. A cup of white wine. Four branches of rosemary and two of elderberries. Salt and pepper. Obviously, the thirty cloves of garlic--" His rambling choked off with a gasp, and he sniffled, struggling to continue. "Preheat the oven to 325 while you season the chicken, and simmer the oil on medium-high heat. Add the chicken and cook until b-browned on each side. Then.. then you.... Gods dammit!" He slammed his fist onto the table, tears falling from their precarious balance on the edge of his eyelids as pain lanced through his hand, and buried his head in his arms, his sobs bouncing off the walls. 

The doors to the room swished open, unheard over the sound of crying, and Davenport rushed in, stopping short upon seeing the other Taaco twin, sobbing like the first one had been a few minutes ago. "Taako, where have you been?" he asked. "What happened to you?" 

Taako raised his head from his arms. "I'm all alone," he whispered. "It's all my fault. Those forty people-- I-I didn't realize it was nightshade, I thought it was elderberries. I really am just a stupid wizard, nothing but smoke and mirrors and Change Appearance..."  
Davenport's eyebrows furrowed, as he watched the elf hunch over, and felt a spike of fear drive into his heart. Lup did not cry; Taako did not cry. If this disease had both of them in such a state -- their worst fears and darkest secrets drawn close to the surface like a blood blister, sobbing like the world was ending -- then it was more serious than he'd originally thought. 

"Taako, listen to me," he interjected, reaching out for the navigator's arm. He wasn't quite tall enough to reach his shoulder. "You're not stupid. You're the chief navigator on the U.S.S. Starblaster. That's not something just anyone can accomplish! You're Taako Taaco!" 

"I'm nothing!" Taako snarled, arm lashing out. He stood as Davenport fell to the ground, stunned by the sudden assault. Mascara smeared wildly down his cheeks as tears poured from his eyes, which were shooting daggers at the captain. "All I am is Lup's idiotic brother. Third wheel extraordinaire. Murderer. Coward."

Davenport, from his place on the floor, stared wide-eyed up at Taako. His brain clouded over as he reached up, gingerly touching the cheek he'd been struck on. His final rational thought as the fury settled in before the red tinging his field of vision made him black out entirely, was, "All you're going to be in a second is dead, Taako." 

/ 

Light shining into his eyes brought him back to life. 

Davenport squeezed his eyes closed against the fingers pulling his eyelids apart, whining as the flashlight blinded him. "Where am I..." he mumbled, lifting a leaden arm up to his head, rubbing at his pounding temples and squinting against the dimmed light in the room. He tried to raise his head off of the cushion, but he met resistance; a cursory glance downward revealed that he was bound to a table in medbay, a strap tightened across his chest. 

"Shitty?" The helpful voice of Merle, sounding a little far away, suggested. 

Davenport grunted, letting his head fall back onto the cushion beneath his cranium. "That." 

Footsteps approached, and Merle's bearded face appeared in his field of vision. "I had to shoot you up with a sedative or four, Captain," he explained. "Do you remember anything that happened before you passed out?" 

Davenport squinted up at the ceiling. Distinct patterns in the roof jumped out at him. "Uh. Head hurts if I try. No." 

"Well, let's see if this helps with that." Merle's soulwood hand reached for the table next to the bed Davenport was strapped to, picking up a hypospray. Flicking it cursorily, he positioned the serum against Davenport's neck and injected it methodically. As he pulled the hypo back, Davenport blinked against the sudden burn in his eyelids. "Feel better?" Merle asked, watching the pain ease away from his face. 

Davenport nodded, and the cleric jerked his head. "I'm a miracle worker, I know," he boasted, hopping off of the stool he required to stand over his patient. Depositing the hypo into a bin for recycling, Merle turned back and picked a clipboard off of the counter. "Now, tell me. What do you remember before passing out?" 

The captain closed his eyes, wracking his brain for an answer. "I was... angry, about something," he said slowly. "At somebody, I think. There was.. something wrong with the crew. The ship had been--" Suddenly, he froze, eyes shooting open. "The ship!" 

"Hey now, relax." Merle reappeared over him, squinting up at the panel of readings above the bed. "The ship is fine, as is the crew. We got to the engines in time using that fancy formula Lup and Barry found, and it did something real funky to us. We went.. back in time, to before this whole fiasco even happened. Not that it matters to you; you've been asleep the whole time, so it's the same exact day for you, buddy." 

Merle removed his spectacles from his face, polishing them off on the hem of his shirt. "I administered the counter-serum to the bridge crew, then to everyone else once we rounded them all up. Including you, Dav." 

Davenport watched the cleric replace his glasses. "Why.. why was I passed out..?" he asked shakily, missing puzzle pieces jumping out at him. 

"You were gonna kill Taako," Merle explained casually. "So Magnus had to knock you out, and when he brought you here, you woke up, so I had to knock you out even more." 

"Why would I kill Taako?!" The very thought of killing anyone shot a pump of fear through his bloodstream. "Why would I want to kill anyone, much less Taako?" 

"The disease made you irrationally angry, Dav. You weren't in your right mind," Merle assuaged him, a hand resting on his shoulder. "Taako was pissing you off somehow -- he won't tell us how, and he's locked up the audio logs for that time frame real tight -- and you were gonna jump him. If Magnus hadn't made it in time..." 

"Where is he?" Davenport blurted. "I have to apologize. I-I have to make sure he's fine." 

"Nu-uh, buddy, you're gonna chill out here until you're fully healed up." Merle pointed a pencil at his panel of readings. "You've only got a little ways more to go. I'll call for Taako to swing by here in a few minutes if he's got the time, but you're staying here until I say so." 

Captain Davenport clenched his fists, gritting his teeth. "Merle..." 

"No buts, no coconuts!" Merle jabbed at his chest with the pencil, then turned around, hopping off of the stool with a sense of finality. Davenport could hear the signature whistle of the intercom; "Sickbay to bridge," Merle said. "Lucretia, could you send Taako down here for a while?" 

"Why the fuck would I want to come back there?" Taako responded, voice crackling over the feed. "After you jabbed my fucking neck so many times?" 

"Hey, it's your own damn fault!" Merle snapped. "It doesn't hurt if you sit still, but nooo! You can't trust a trained professional to take care of your potentially deadly illness!" 

A huff greeted his completely valid points. "You know I'm not going there unless I have to." 

"Davenport wants to apologize to you." 

A long silence followed the answer. Davenport was sure Taako had just left them waiting, the simplest kind of no with a side of bitchy, but after a thousand years of pause, a sigh echoed over the intercom. "I'll be down in a minute." 

Merle clicked the intercom off with an irritated jerk of his hand. "What a drama queen," he groused, shaking his head. "If he wasn't the sole reason why we haven't flown straight into a fucking star at this point, I'd hate him." Merle pulled the chair out from beneath a small table against the wall and dragged it over to Davenport's bed. He gave the gnomish captain a smirk. "Now, about those dinner plans..." 

/ 

Taako stood at the doors to the medbay, staring at the gleaming plaque next to them. Sickbay - Merle Highchurch was engraved on it in silver letters. He liked Merle well enough as a person; he was kind of hilarious sometimes, and he made awesome drinks. But the cleric part is what made Taako so hesitant.

He'd had enough of clerics to last him two elven lifetimes. 

The doors swished open all of a sudden, making him jump out of his skin, and Merle snorted at his surprise. Taako sneered, leaning back against the wall and examining his nails. The paint had chipped over the past few days, with him not having the time to dedicate to their upkeep. 

"Get in there," Merle ordered, jerking his head back. "He's not gonna hurt you, Taako." 

"I know that," Taako said, buffing his nails on his shirt. He was no longer wearing the sliced shirt Barry had ruined the other day, but the thin, shallow scratch left from the tip of the rapier remained across his chest. "He's strapped to a fucking bed still, isn't he?" 

"I unstrapped him once I deemed him stable enough," Merle said. 

"And after some other things, right?" Taako leered, eyebrows arching high above his eyes. 

Merle fucking blushed. "Shut the hell up," he snapped. "That's an order!" 

Taako rolled his eyes and straightened up from the wall. He sauntered around Merle, the doors to sickbay swishing open as he walked through them, and made his way into the visitation ward. Merle waddled past him, muttering darkly, and entered the little office in the corner. Through the translucent glass, he could be seen pouring something likely alcoholic into a glass. 

He peeked into the room, eyes skimming over the row of beds against the wall. Davenport lay in the third one from the wall, close to the middle; the panel of readings beeped idly. Taako ground his teeth at the skitterish feeling of... whatever. fluttering in his chest, and stepped into the ward. "Reporting for duty, Captain," he drawled, draping himself against the entranceway and giving it a knock.  
Davenport lifted his head off of the cushion. "Hey there, Taako." He sat up, supporting himself on his elbows. "I'm glad you came."

"Yeah, well. I had a billion other much cooler things to do, but you're my commanding officer, so I have to listen to you. Or whatever." Taako crossed one ankle over the other, arms folding on his chest. "I heard that an apology was in order?" 

Davenport closed his eyes and sighed. "Yes, yes it is," he replied. "Taako, I'm... incredibly sorry for whatever it is I said to you while I was under the influence of the disease. Whatever it is I did to you." 

"Whatever, it's fine." Taako raised a hand to his throat, fingers rubbing over the tender skin, and Davenport's expression crumpled. His sharp eyes missed nothing. Taako forced himself to bring his hand back down, clenching a fist into the fabric of his sleeve to keep his arms crossed. 

"No, it's not," the captain argued. "Taako, you have to believe me. The very thought of killing someone, much less one of my most valued crew members, is utterly reprehensible." 

Taako's ear twitched at 'most valued.' "Captain, my guy," he interrupted. "I already told you, it's fine. I've had fashion phases that hurt me more than you did." Davenport's lips thinned at his dismissal, and Taako rolled his eyes skyward. "Listen. Taako does not forgive easily, and he certainly does not forget. Like, ever." The elf made his way into the room, crossing it in several long strides, and sat in the chair Merle had left at Davenport's bedside. "The list of folks who have earned his trust consists of Lup, and no one else but me, myself and I. But..." Taako glanced at him, and a corner of his mouth twitched upward slightly. "...but you'd probably be the first person I'd extend trust privileges to." 

Davenport smiled up at him. "That means a lot to me, Taako." 

Taako shook his head. "Psh. Don't let it get to your head, homie, you're not quite there yet." 

The captain's smile didn't falter. "Maybe I'll get there someday. We have five years to get to know each other, after all." 

Taako inclined his chin. "Five years, stuck with all of you." His lips smirked, probably of their own accord. "What have I gotten myself into?" 

/ 

Davenport returned to the bridge later that evening, greeted by smiles. 

"It's good to have you back, Cap'nport!" Magnus beamed down at him, arm raised in a salute. Davenport nodded up at the tall, broad human, and allowed a firm pat on the shoulder. 

"It's good to be back, Magnus," Davenport replied, folding his hands behind his back. "I like Merle and all, but... sickbay is the worst."

"Amen, Cap!" Taako piped up from the conn. Lup, sitting in the seat next to her brother, swiveled around and nodded in agreement. Davenport gave each of them a comforting smile, their tearful faces flashing in the back of his mind for a moment, and turned to face the man who crossed the bridge to approach him. 

"Hi there, Captain..." Barry smile was practically a grimace. They hadn't met in the sickbay, with Barry being discharged before Davenport had even awoken. They hadn't interacted since the sword-swinging catastrophe on the bridge when Barry's powerful scientific mind was sunny-side-up by the disease that had enthralled the whole Starblaster. "Uh.. how are you?" 

"Ready to work, Barry," Davenport reported, cocking his head and smiling. He truly was thrilled to be out of sickbay and back on the bridge. His bridge. Each of his cells was singing happy songs of his newfound freedom. "Yourself?" 

"Fine. I'm..." Barry stared off to the side, finding a flickering panel of readings oddly fascinating. "Actually, I wanted to.. apologize for how I behaved a few days ago. I would never have acted like that, were I in my sane, rational mind. Magnus told me how difficult it was to contain me..." 

Davenport raised his brows. "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to, Officer Bluejeans." 

Barry's face burst into flame, red blush igniting in his cheeks and spreading through the rest of his blood vessels like a raging fire. He coughed into his fist, shoulders hunching up to his ears, and risked a glimpse over at Lup, sitting at the conn, watching them carefully. Lup bit her lip and looked away the instant their eyes met, focusing on an invisible speck of lint on her shirt. Davenport watched them avoid eye contact, amused, and shook his head fondly. 

His eyes darted over to his chair, where a close-cropped head of black curls poked up over. "Lucretia," he said warmly, stepping down and walking up to the chair's side. 

His first officer turned in the chair to face him, standing immediately once she recognized him. "Captain, it's great to see you looking well," she began, eyes flickering from his face to the chair. 

"It's great to be feeling well, I must say," Davenport agreed, smiling at her. "It's kind of a nice feeling, isn't it?" he added, watching her eye his chair. 

Lucretia hesitantly nodded. "The feeling belongs to you, Captain," she said, stepping away from the chair and holding an arm out in front of it. 

Davenport dipped his head as she stepped back from the chair -- his chair -- and looked up at it as he approached. He pulled himself up into it, rolling his shoulders as they leaned back into the soft cushioning. He smiled as the triumphant feeling of command flowed back into his newly-cured body, and his fingers curled around the ends of the arms.

"Positions, everybody," he ordered. At once, the crew assembled. Barry and Lucretia returned to their places on the left side of the bridge; Magnus sat in his spot on the right flank, and the twins swiveled around in their chairs to face the conn. Davenport pointed finger guns at Lup and Taako. He bent his thumb, pulling the trigger on Taako first. "Plot a course for AP-001." 

Taako's fingers flew across the conn. "You got it, homie." 

The next shot went to Lup. "Give me Warp 10." 

Lup nodded, fingers adjusting a slider on the conn. "Warp 10 is a go." 

Davenport stared out into space. The tourmaline planet floated in the silent vacuum, beams from its dying sun glinting off the curve of its horizon. Closing his eyes briefly, he sighed, then opened them again and uttered a single word. 

"Engage."

**Author's Note:**

> STILL cannot believe i did this.
> 
> one of my first taz fics, and it's a star trek rip-off. not some amazing meta, or entertaining oneshot, but. 14K words of loosely-drawn-upon genius. gene roddenberry.... griffin mcelroy... i'm deeply Sorry. 
> 
> the idea originally struck me while i was. well. watching TOS on Netflix. "a loveable cast of characters who travel through space & get into shenanigans together, then use science to get themselves out of bad situations": star trek or the stolen century??? 
> 
> but this was my first taz fanfic, and I wanted to practice with these characters & their personalities, their mannerisms, their relationships..... by writing them out of character. it's a weird exercise, yes, but. hey. I wrote 14k, didn't i? 
> 
> kudos 2 you if you catch some of the things I slipped in there. references to canon, music, trek episodes, even tumblr posts. mention it in the comments if you caught anything ;) 
> 
> thanks for reading dhdjs sorry it took me 3 days to write a decent afterthought


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